A Damsel In Distress, A Knight In Shining Armour, And A Terrifying Wildman

Depicted at the bottom of several folios in the mid fourteenth-century manuscript known popularly as the Smithfield Decretals (British Library Royal 10 E IV) is an amusing little story...

A beautiful young woman is out in the forest one day when she is accosted by a fearsome Wildman. (Fearsome not only for his excessive body hair but also for his insatiable lust). An old knight comes to her rescue, however, and slays the Wildman.

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After saving the life of the woman, the old knight decides to claim her for his own. He seizes her arm and sets off with the woman. Quickly though they bump into another knight, this one much more comely.

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Instantly smitten by his rockstar looks, the woman decides to leave with the younger knight, rather than her original heroic Wildman-slayer. The two knights enter into a heated discussion.

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They decide to settle their quarrel over who ‘gets the girl’ in the only sensible way possible...by blowing their horns at one another.

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It is eventually decided that after all the woman will go with the handsome knight, whilst the older knight leaves with only his dog for company. However the younger knight decides he is not satisfied with the bargain they have struck. Instead he marches back and tries to take the dog too.

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The older knight decides that enough is enough. “You can have my girl,” he says, “but you cannot have my dog.” And so the two knights fight.

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After a hard struggle the older knight kills the handsome knight. Weeping and wailing in distress the woman collapses in grief beside the body.

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Rallying she begs the old knight to take her with him. But her pleas are met with stony silence. No longer interested the old knight and his dog abandon the ungrateful chit in the forest.

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And then, my dear reader, she was eaten by bears.

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THE END.